I went to college with a friend who had no luck with women. My friend's reaction to rejection was that the women at the University we were attending were stuckup. He blamed them. While that may have made him feel better it actually was a self defeating attitude. It was self defeating because he developed a negative attitude toward women which adversely affected his interactions with them and made it less likely that they would want to date him. Attitude affects behavior. Even if one says the right things to another person one's attitude affects one's body language, and one's tone of voice and that affects one's success with the opposite sex.
My friend's anger toward women was also self defeating because he was not facing the real cause of his problem which was his attitude.
Even if you don't have a negative attitude toward women having a negative attitude in general can be a turnoff. One woman complained to me about a date in which a man was criticizing how other people were behaving and how it turned her off. Saying negative stuff about people or about the future is likely to turn your date off.
Even with a good attitude we can turn people off with our behavior and not know that we are doing so. Often people do not know what they are doing wrong. I remember a man who would walk up to women so his nose was about 6 inches away from theirs when he spoke to them. He made them feel uncomfortable and one of them complained to me about how him. He didn't know that he was too close to them. Another friend of mine would always speak very loudly. Some friends of mine lacked manners, in fact a girl I knew complained that one of them talked while he had food in his mouth. Another would keep wiping his face with his shirt sleeve to get rid of sweat. As long as these men don't know what they are doing wrong they are unlikely to ever find a girlfriend.
Some people who do manage to attract girlfriends lose them by unknowingly engaging in behaviors that hurt their relationship. A lady friend of mine told me how her boyfriend always spoke in a monotone and that caused her to tune out every time he spoke to her. As a result he became offended because she wasn't listening to him and ended the relationship.
In addition to one's behavior one's expectations and criteria play a role in one's success with the opposite sex. I know a 30 year old woman (I'll call Sandy) who has very strict criteria regarding the man she will date. He has to have lost no hair, have either brown or black hair, be tall, and wealthy, and handsome and between 30 and 35. She is no supermodel and although she goes to single social events constantly she hasn't found the man she wants. Sandy's criteria are self defeating. Sandy is unlikely to find the man she wants. Even if she runs into such a man he may not want her.
When one fails in one's dating attempts it's easy to develop the belief that one is not a good catch and that one is undesirable. I have found the most desirable women are the ones who know they are desirable. I find women who take pride in themselves very attractive. That doesn't mean being arrogant. Arrogance is unattractive. Arrogance is the attitude "I am better than you". Pride in oneself is the attitude "I am wonderful, I am special, I am attractive."
If a woman becomes convinced that she is undesirable she becomes undesirable. If she becomes convinced that she is not worthwhile she will probably convince others that she is not worthwhile. She becomes trapped in the vicious cycle shown below:
Rejection by the Opposite Sex
|Opposite sex does not feel attracted||Become convinced one is undesirable|
|One's behavior shows one's low self esteem|
The first step toward improving one's success with the opposite sex is to recognize the importance one's own attitude and behavior plays in one's success with the opposite sex. The second step is to learn what needs to be improve and find out how to make those improvements. This web site has an entire self help section devoted to improving one's attitude. In addition this dating section has examples of what people do wrong and suggestions for improvements. I often ask my friends what people did wrong with them and have included some of these examples in this web site.
Fundamental to a successful social interaction is whether or not the social interaction makes the people happy who are engaged in it. That applies especially to dating relationships. It's hard to make your partner happy if you are angry or depressed. Yet many people who don't have dates are depressed and angry. Then when they meet someone they would like to date they are often rejected because their unhappiness leads to unhappiness of their partner. Thus a vicious cycle is created leading to failure in relationships. One can attempt to stop this cycle with self help techniques. The most important thing to keep in mind is if one is happier one will be more likely to attract a date and to keep that date in a relationship. By keeping this in mind one will create an incentive within oneself to be happy.
c o p y r i g h t ( c ) 1 9 9 9 - 2004 Karl Ericson Enterprises. All rights reserved
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